The greatest and most traumatic day of my life

I've been wanting to write this blog for a couple weeks now, but having a newborn has sucked away (literally) all of my energy. Many people have asked me about my birth story and were curious to see if I was able to have the natural birth that I had been planning on/hoping for.

The past 2.5 weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't convey that sentiment enough. Cade Rolland Battles is our little miracle and he's a healthy, chubby and strong little dude and that is the most important thing of all. However, his entrance into this world did not go as I would have hoped. 

I started having contractions on Monday morning, June 24th. By 11pm, we decided to head to the hospital because my contractions were about 3 minutes apart and Jared could tell that I was starting to be in some intense pain. We got to the hospital and I was dilated to 4cm. Within an hour, I had dilated to 7. The nurses were optimistic and convinced me that the baby would be out in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I was progressing well and able to sustain the contractions. The contractions continued and became extremely intense, by far the worse pain I have ever experienced. Jared was a champ and supported me, quite literally, actually, by holding me up while I bared down into him to get through each contraction. These were happening about a minute on, minute off...talk about interval training! With the rate/intensity of the contractions, the nurses were certain that I was getting close to pushing time. However, when they checked, I was still dilated at 7cm. I was determined to wait it out, despite how intense the contractions were. I knew that it was semi normal to "stall out" during labor and hoped that if I gave it just another hour, that maybe I would progress to 10cm quickly. This meant getting through the worse pain of my life for even longer. I was getting frustrated and was beyond exhausted. Fast forward 6 awful hours....I was STILL just dilated at 7cm. My Doctor and nurses knew something was wrong because my contractions were strong enough where I should have pushed him out hours before, yet nothing was happening. I was given the come to Jesus talk by my Doctor, who had been super supportive of my natural birth plan from the beginning. I was given two options: epidural, with the hopes that it would help my body relax more and allow him to descend easier, or a C-section. I knew I did NOT want a C-section, and with a very disappointed heart, I agreed to the epidural. By this point, I was in tears; I felt as if I had failed, that my body had failed me. I was so mentally and physically exhausted, yet had such a long way to go before it would be over. I've never felt so helpless. Meanwhile, my contractions were excruciating. Epidurals are not usually given when contractions are at the point mine were, but that was our only choice. The pain of the needle in my back accompanied by my strong and frequent contractions was horrible. I couldn't stop crying...emotions were unlike anything I've ever experienced. I didn't recognize myself! Jared left the room to tell our families what was happening. In the 3 minutes he was gone, before the epidural had kicked in, the baby went into distress. I went from having 1 nurse to 10 who had rushed in to assist. No one was talking to me or telling me what was happening. They threw an oxygen mask on me and inverted the table so that my legs were higher than my head. I had no control of my body because of how numb the epidural had made me. Again, this was less than 5 minutes after receiving the epidural. Jared came into the room and couldn't believe what was happening. My Doctor rushed in and looked at me and said that the only option for having a healthy baby was to get him out by a C-section and that it needed to happen immediately. The cord was around his neck and with every contraction I was essentially choking him out. My crying increased to a whole new level. I was given another shot to stop the contractions because the more my body contracted, the worse off the baby was. The shot sent my body into tetanus, and I could not stop shaking. It was uncontrollable, just like my crying. I have never been so disappointed, scared and exhausted. I felt like I was in another dimension being hauled into the OR. Fortunately Jared and my mom were able to be in the OR with me. I've never seen Jared look the way he did. I've never seen him cry in my life and that was the closest to crying I've seen him. My body and mindset were not ready for major surgery and he knew that. We were terrified for our baby and felt so unprepared for this outcome. Within 15 minutes our 9.2lb baby was pulled out and it took every ounce of energy I had left in order to not pass out. My vision was blurry and I felt myself fading, but I was determined to see my baby. Jared cut the cord and the nurses were not wanting to let me have chest to chest contact with Cade because nothing was sterilized. However, my mom made a scene and begged them to bring him over to me just for a minute before was he was taken away. Fortunately a nurse complied and they snuck him onto my chest. I could barely keep my eyes open, but it was a surreal moment. He licked my face and had big eyes that wouldn't leave mine. Before I knew it the moment was gone and they had to take him away while I got stitched back together.

My moment

We stayed in the hospital for 5 days. The first two days were pretty painful. Breastfeeding was awful because of how much pain I was in from surgery and couldn't properly adjust my body positioning. I was completely dependent upon Jared to take care of me. Over the course of 5 days he had to see and do things for me that has brought our relationship to a whole new level. I've never been so vulnerable. He cared for the baby because I couldn't get out of bed on my own..diaper changes, rocking him, etc. The only thing I could do, and was failing at, was breastfeed. My feelings of failure were pretty strong during his first week of life. 

We've had a ton of support from friends and family. We had a lactation consultant come to our house our first week home because of how much trouble Cade was having latching on and because he was and still is not back at his birth weight. It's not even close to perfect yet, but it's getting better. We are hoping that he has regained his birth weight by next week. 

My McDreamy...

Through all of this, and I realize how traumatic and dramatic this story is, I am incredibly grateful for this baby boy. I've never loved or appreciated Jared more; he's an incredible dad and is teaching me how to be a mom. He was voted best dad by the nursing staff! They couldn't believe how involved, knowledgeable and helpful he was. I've always said that a marriage is like having a teammate for life, and this has never been more true. We are closer than ever and it's a relief to know I'm not in this alone. He has officially seen me at my worse and I've seen him become the backbone of our family. 

As for me, it's recovery time. It may kill me, but I am unable to do anything for 6 weeks. My Doctor was very adamant about this, even knowing how much I did during my pregnancy. This will be the longest amount of time I've EVER gone without working out. I'm actually feeling pretty good, I was only in pain the first week or so and I attribute this "quick" recovery to how healthy I was during my pregnancy.  Now it's just more of random moments of being uncomfortable. My body is at a place that is hard to recognize. My stomach has shrunk, but I'm far from my "normal." It's weird to go from fit, to pregnant to whatever this in between stage is. I'm trying not to be too critical of myself, knowing that this is just my temporary body, but it's hard to look in the mirror most days and not recognize myself! The best words of wisdom I've been given so far is that God knew I needed to learn how to be a mom so he made sure that nothing would distract me from this learning phase. The gym and a better body is not a top priority now...figuring out how to take care of Cade is my only job and my only priority for the time being. So, that's the attitude I'm trying to maintain. This time of his life is so precious, exhausting, but precious. He's the most amazing little creation and we are so thankful he is here and is healthy. 

My baby boy

Thank you to everyone who has sent congratulations and has been supportive of our little family. We appreciate every ounce of love, encouragement and adoration that has been given. Cade is an amazing blessing, and even though nothing went the way I had hoped it would, we are both healthy and getting stronger every day and that's the only thing that matters. 

SO...I experienced 3 different birthing options: natural for about 20 hours, epidural for about 5 minutes and an emergency C-section, which might almost make me an expert....  :) A traumatized expert...

Thanks for reading! xo