Keep the Mom Jeans

You know, sometimes I just wanna walk around wearing a shirt that proclaims, "I love rap music, swearing, barbells, Tequila and bikinis." With Cade on my hip. Yes, I do feel like I have something to prove.

Why? Because there's this misconception that once you become a mom you're automatically lame. It's terrible! Take me to a bar...I still have game, dammit and I'll prove it (with enough Tequila, that is). I don't want to "look" like a mom. I want people to be surprised when they find out I have a baby...you know? Is that so much to ask?

 I think a lot of people assume that once you become a mom all you care about is your precious babbling baby, stroller walks, mommy talk and how often your baby shits. And I'm over here like, "keep your mom jeans and stretch mark cream!" Although, workout pants/leggings may be the new version of mom jeans and for that, I'm way guilty. Anyway...

Here's my selfish cry for awareness. Being a mom is awesomely amazing. And horrendously hard. And it makes you crazy and redefines a LOT of your life and priorities. BUT...it doesn't change everything. It doesn't mean that I don't want to go out with my friends, or that I'm gonna start using pink dumbbells instead of heavy weight, that I don't care about my career, or that I'm going to trade in rap music for baby lullabies. Hey people, I am capable of having a normal conversation, and my interests haven't changed....I've just added some mama talk versatility to my repertoire (who am I?!).

I love Cade. Duh- have you seen my Facebook and Instagram? I'm ridiculous now! I've totally become THAT person who only posts baby pictures. I will talk about him endlessly...I mean, check out every blog I've written in the last 6 months! He totally occupies every ounce of brain power I have. Thankfully he's adorable and kinda melts my heart. But anyway, I by all means I welcome and enjoy a break from the crazy-new-mom mode. That reason alone is why Jared and I escaped to the Dominican. It was good for our mental health!

So, if you are friends with a new mom and you're like, "dammit! She's sooo lame now!" I don't blame you for thinking that. I absolutely LOVED this article where the author talks about how she secretly hates it when her friends announce pregnancy because it means everything is about to change. So true. So very, very true. I've been a train-wreck and am beyond grateful for the friends who have seen me through this change and have been patient with me. I'm also grateful for a select few that have kept me in check and haven't allowed me to completely fall off the deep end into mommy land with the other crazies.

So, with that, I'd like to give a shout to my sister who has kicked me out of my house so I could get a pedicure in peace, for the guys at the gym who entertain Cade while I hit a heavy squat set, for Jared who watches Cade while I work, to the friends that know to actually come to my house because it makes it easier for me to hang out without having to worry about my psycho baby losing it in public because he missed a nap, to my mom who got me Lululemon instead of furry slippers, for the friends who have forced (ok, maybe I forced them) to go get a drink with me and for my best friend who has not allowed this new adventure to change our friendship and the substance of our conversations. Thanks for keeping me sane. For knowing what to do. And what not to do. For making the effort. Seriously people, it's the little things that really do make the biggest difference.

Hold onto your crazy mom friends. You'll need them one day cuz motherhood is a kick to the face and I'm pretty sure it makes everyone declare temporary insanity at one point or another. However, there's no one better to hold your hand through it all than a friend you have always loved, who has already been there and done that and wants to help you during this change. And if you don't want kids...let your crazy mom friend be your reminder to take your birth control. ;)

xoxoxo!

4 months: finding my maternal "instinct"

I've kept this blog public. I've shared it with everyone on Facebook. It's been re-shared. It's accessible on my Instagram page. Basically, I've opened up my life and made myself and my family very vulnerable to opinions, judgement, love and support. My writing keeps me honest and humble . I think Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and social media in general paint a skewed picture (literally) of what our lives are really like. For the most part, I choose to only post happy, positive or informational things. But this blog is the truth. It's the good, the bad and ugly of everything that's happened recently. This blog has morphed itself; it started out as a place for me to write about my clients, health and fitness.  However, as I've grown professionally and individually, writing this blog, as often as I can,  has told its own story and shown a new side of me.

I got a lot of  feedback from my last blogpost where I talked about my struggles and new reality as a mom. It was mostly positive, but there were some people who couldn't believe I wrote that and made it public. I was told, that it was "pretty intense"...almost as if it was something I shouldn't have shared. It wasn't until I heard that feedback that I questioned whether or not I should have shared my personal account and struggles coming into motherhood. It's important for me to write about my experience and to write in the moment so that my memory doesn't become jaded. 

 I've been a mom for 4.5 months now and it wasn't until the 4 month mark that I finally felt my feet hit the ground again. I felt like I had caught my breath and was no longer on the verge of drowning. I seriously had an epiphany while coaching where I was like, "ok, I think I can actually do this." It's amazing what a little more sleep does! ;) But sleep aside, I think I've finally started to feel a little more confident in myself, understand my baby and have found a semi-consistent schedule. I was always told that the second your baby is born, you'll feel this overwhelming joy and the maternal instinct will just "kick in." I've mentioned this in other posts, but when he was born, I was just trying to stay conscious. There was so much trauma associated with his birth and his first few weeks of life that I felt as if I could never catch my breath, making it hard to get in touch with my "maternal side." 

Struggling to breastfeed didn't help that maternal instinct. Hating my body didn't help it. Recovering from natural labor and surgery was debilitating.  A screaming baby who couldn't eat fueled my anxiety. I was resentful of women who had an "easier" experience than me. I hated not having my husband around or my mom there to help me all the time. Everything was hard. 

Pictures don't tell that story though. My pictures show the side that I'm really proud of and that's what I want to share here as well. I'm proud that this baby has made me a stronger woman in every aspect of my existence. I'm proud that he's growing well, active and social.  I'm proud that I've been able to exclusively breastfeed him...I never thought that would be something to take pride in until I became a mom. I'm proud that I've been able to coach and still help my girls even when I was struggling at home. I'm proud that I'm learning to love my body by embracing and accepting slow and healthy progress.  I'm proud that I'm able to get through the night alone, without having a husband to rely on at all times. I'm proud of my marriage...this has been the hardest and greatest thing we have ever experienced. Jared and I have not had a coinciding day off since I went back to work, and we won't have days off with each other for at least another 6 months. However, we are growing together, being tested daily and learning how to better love and support each other and our baby. I'm proud to have that kind of marriage. 

I've learned that for some, love is immediate and powerful, and for others, love grows with endurance, patience and attention. I love this little boy in a way that cannot be described. It's a take my breath away, powerful, aching love that I have grown into. He's changed my perspective, my identity, tested my willpower and patience, humbled me to the core, impacted the way I am professionally and has shown me everything that is important in this life. It's still not easy, and it never will be, but my confidence is growing and I'm learning how to manage this new role in life. Our family is growing up together, learning through adversity, joy and discovering a whole new beautiful world. 

My 3 month, "it gets better" saga

I can write this blog today with a sense of humor, but only because I had a decent nights sleep. Which at this point (or at least last night), involved only waking up once for an hour to breastfeed this monster baby of mine. For the sake of my own documentation, and for the interest of anyone who cares to read my rambling, my goal is to recap what the last few months have really been like. I've discovered that parents forget this shit. Having a newborn is freakin' hard. Like the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes, I say that a lot. I willingly admit that he has traumatized me and has taken my anxiety to a whole new level. But the crazy thing is, he's made me stronger- like, in every way imaginable. I haven't felt very strong, but looking back at what we've overcome in 3 months solidifies this concept.

By now, anyone who reads this blog, knows about how less than ideal his birth was. And you must also know that I'm slowly trying to get my body and confidence back. And if we are friends on Facebook or Instagram, you'll see the ridiculous amount of pictures I post of this monster. Yes, I am that person now. And yes, I enjoy capturing his smiling moments, because they remind me that he isn't always a psycho. And that I adore his little face. And that being a mom is actually a pretty incredible, rewarding experience that I'm continually humbled by.

what we've overcome

I like to say that we've survived. People think I'm joking when I say this, but in all seriousness, having an newborn, at least for me, has been about surviving. Each day is a battle and some days are more victories than others. After coming home from the hospital, I remember going into my room to try and nap while my in-laws helped with the baby. The second I walked into my room I burst into tears. It was the first time I had been alone and I had tried to stay strong and optimistic despite the ongoing hell I had been through. It all accumulated into one big breakdown. It was hard to feel happy about having a baby, which people obviously don't like to talk about. But for ME, I had so much anxiety, so much disappointment in my birth experience and at that time a ton of issues breastfeeding him. This began a 6 week saga of tears on a daily basis...sometimes for a legitimate reason and most of the time, just because of an ongoing feeling of being overwhelmed and terrified of this baby and in my new responsibility. I was a hard person to be married to. I was a hard person to talk to because I was so tired, overwhelmed and anxious. CONSTANTLY. It never let up. The struggle of breastfeeding led to screaming and tears from both baby and me. I felt like there was no freakin' way I was meant to be a mom- totally in over my head and not a "baby person." He had a hard time gaining weight and I felt so much guilt because that was obviously my fault. He had/has a hernia and talk of surgery, even though it is a minor procedure, scared the shit out of me. When Jared had to go back to work, I was scared to be alone with him. I was scared to go to sleep at night because I didn't have my "teammate" there for moral support. For the first 5 weeks, while J was on paternity leave, he would wake up every time with me while I fed him. Obviously he couldn't do anything, but he was my only sense of calm...yet, I still wasn't confident. Having to do nights alone is still something I struggle with.

The weeks went on, and as everyone says, things got better, but I think it's also because I began to acclimate to this new reality. I'm told that no one is ever really ready for a baby. But whoa, I REALLY wasn't ready for this kind of experience.  I thought I would have a natural birth, that breastfeeding was a natural process. I had a false idea of what sleep deprivation really meant, and a unrealistic expectation for my post baby body. My new reality was walking around topless, watching shit tv, unable to workout and breastfeeding around the clock. Goodbye life. I'm not the fluffy mom you see on Pinterest, or the mom who has a desire to sit in mommy groups at the park and talk about the color of poop. Those people freak me out! But what I do know now, is that I'm grateful for the women who have told me that they've had a similar experience or feelings and are willing to talk openly about this kind of thing. It makes me feel like less of an asshole.

When I went back to coaching, I was under the impression that coaching was a great career for being a mom. Until I brought him to practice and ended up breastfeeding him while my girls did their conditioning, hoping my cover wouldn't get blown up by the wind. Then when he started crying in my office while trying to do paperwork and carry on a professional conversation...yeah, there was my reality check of how coaching with a baby is NOT as easy or practical as I thought it would be.

As of now, it works out that Jared can stay with him while I go to coach on most days. I cried the entire 40 minute drive to work the first week that I left him; once again, disappointed in how things didn't work out the way I had planned. Another issue- I barely make enough milk to supply him with a bottle while I'm gone and I'm avoiding formula unless I absolutely need to supplement. So, even though I'm gone, my responsibility for caring for him never leaves. The stress is a constant.  Even when I'm away, I'm physically preoccupied with pumping, or mentally preoccupied with wondering if he's crying, if he was able to sleep, etc.

As hard as this is to admit, it's hard to not feel resentful sometimes. Caring for him is the greatest responsibility I will ever have. I'm the one who can provide food for him, rock him to sleep, wake up at all hours to care for him, calm him down (sometimes...ha), and have had to put part of my career on hold for him since we can't justify me working both jobs and caring for a baby. It just can't work, despite how we try to troubleshoot our options. And being away from my baby is not the life I want. I know this...I knew this from the beginning. But sometimes I'm jealous that Jared gets to sleep, or that he gets to go to work and have something else to focus on (trust me, I know that he is NOT getting off easy). But, for me, going to work was always fun. It was easy and natural. Caring for a baby is not easy or natural, and trying to balance even one job with a baby makes me a lunatic at times.

So now that I've been extremely honest about my struggles adapting to being a mom, let me say this. It's actually pretty incredible to see the product of Jared and I...that sounds so awkward. But really, to look at this baby and see Jared's facial expressions, my eyes, watching him learn and discover, achieve little milestones...it just blows my mind. To know that I make him smile, that he recognizes my face, that I am his source of comfort and knowing that I am the most important person to him...I'm humbled and amazed by that level of responsibility. The sacrifices a mom makes for her baby is something that only other moms can fully understand. Others can show an appreciation, but to fully understand that level of dedication....well you would have to be a mom.

I have a great team of supporters. I never understood the concept of "it takes a village" until I had no choice but to set my pride aside and reach out. Jared has obviously been incredible, thank God someone is mentally stable! My mom, sister and Jared's mom have at times, dropped their life to come over and help me fold laundry or cook dinner. They did all the little things that just get so overlooked right now. I've had friends, some of which I haven't talked to since high school, reach out with words of encouragement, friends at the gym who will hold him while he cries so I can finish my workout and a team of water polo girls who love to stay with him while I'm in a meeting. It takes a TEAM to care for a baby. I've really learned who my true friends and supporters are and for those of you who have loved me and this baby during the hardest and greatest time of my life, thank you and I seriously love you.

If your a new mom, or about to have a baby, maybe your experience has been different. Maybe you are the fluffy mom who can find beauty in everything. And hey, I'm jealous of you! And if you are a mom that is struggling, learning and taking a little longer to acclimate...I can completely empathize. We all have different stories, different ways of acclimating and different attitudes. However, I do believe there is no love that is greater, nothing that makes you stronger than being a mom. <3

The greatest and most traumatic day of my life

I've been wanting to write this blog for a couple weeks now, but having a newborn has sucked away (literally) all of my energy. Many people have asked me about my birth story and were curious to see if I was able to have the natural birth that I had been planning on/hoping for.

The past 2.5 weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life physically, mentally and emotionally. I can't convey that sentiment enough. Cade Rolland Battles is our little miracle and he's a healthy, chubby and strong little dude and that is the most important thing of all. However, his entrance into this world did not go as I would have hoped. 

I started having contractions on Monday morning, June 24th. By 11pm, we decided to head to the hospital because my contractions were about 3 minutes apart and Jared could tell that I was starting to be in some intense pain. We got to the hospital and I was dilated to 4cm. Within an hour, I had dilated to 7. The nurses were optimistic and convinced me that the baby would be out in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I was progressing well and able to sustain the contractions. The contractions continued and became extremely intense, by far the worse pain I have ever experienced. Jared was a champ and supported me, quite literally, actually, by holding me up while I bared down into him to get through each contraction. These were happening about a minute on, minute off...talk about interval training! With the rate/intensity of the contractions, the nurses were certain that I was getting close to pushing time. However, when they checked, I was still dilated at 7cm. I was determined to wait it out, despite how intense the contractions were. I knew that it was semi normal to "stall out" during labor and hoped that if I gave it just another hour, that maybe I would progress to 10cm quickly. This meant getting through the worse pain of my life for even longer. I was getting frustrated and was beyond exhausted. Fast forward 6 awful hours....I was STILL just dilated at 7cm. My Doctor and nurses knew something was wrong because my contractions were strong enough where I should have pushed him out hours before, yet nothing was happening. I was given the come to Jesus talk by my Doctor, who had been super supportive of my natural birth plan from the beginning. I was given two options: epidural, with the hopes that it would help my body relax more and allow him to descend easier, or a C-section. I knew I did NOT want a C-section, and with a very disappointed heart, I agreed to the epidural. By this point, I was in tears; I felt as if I had failed, that my body had failed me. I was so mentally and physically exhausted, yet had such a long way to go before it would be over. I've never felt so helpless. Meanwhile, my contractions were excruciating. Epidurals are not usually given when contractions are at the point mine were, but that was our only choice. The pain of the needle in my back accompanied by my strong and frequent contractions was horrible. I couldn't stop crying...emotions were unlike anything I've ever experienced. I didn't recognize myself! Jared left the room to tell our families what was happening. In the 3 minutes he was gone, before the epidural had kicked in, the baby went into distress. I went from having 1 nurse to 10 who had rushed in to assist. No one was talking to me or telling me what was happening. They threw an oxygen mask on me and inverted the table so that my legs were higher than my head. I had no control of my body because of how numb the epidural had made me. Again, this was less than 5 minutes after receiving the epidural. Jared came into the room and couldn't believe what was happening. My Doctor rushed in and looked at me and said that the only option for having a healthy baby was to get him out by a C-section and that it needed to happen immediately. The cord was around his neck and with every contraction I was essentially choking him out. My crying increased to a whole new level. I was given another shot to stop the contractions because the more my body contracted, the worse off the baby was. The shot sent my body into tetanus, and I could not stop shaking. It was uncontrollable, just like my crying. I have never been so disappointed, scared and exhausted. I felt like I was in another dimension being hauled into the OR. Fortunately Jared and my mom were able to be in the OR with me. I've never seen Jared look the way he did. I've never seen him cry in my life and that was the closest to crying I've seen him. My body and mindset were not ready for major surgery and he knew that. We were terrified for our baby and felt so unprepared for this outcome. Within 15 minutes our 9.2lb baby was pulled out and it took every ounce of energy I had left in order to not pass out. My vision was blurry and I felt myself fading, but I was determined to see my baby. Jared cut the cord and the nurses were not wanting to let me have chest to chest contact with Cade because nothing was sterilized. However, my mom made a scene and begged them to bring him over to me just for a minute before was he was taken away. Fortunately a nurse complied and they snuck him onto my chest. I could barely keep my eyes open, but it was a surreal moment. He licked my face and had big eyes that wouldn't leave mine. Before I knew it the moment was gone and they had to take him away while I got stitched back together.

My moment

We stayed in the hospital for 5 days. The first two days were pretty painful. Breastfeeding was awful because of how much pain I was in from surgery and couldn't properly adjust my body positioning. I was completely dependent upon Jared to take care of me. Over the course of 5 days he had to see and do things for me that has brought our relationship to a whole new level. I've never been so vulnerable. He cared for the baby because I couldn't get out of bed on my own..diaper changes, rocking him, etc. The only thing I could do, and was failing at, was breastfeed. My feelings of failure were pretty strong during his first week of life. 

We've had a ton of support from friends and family. We had a lactation consultant come to our house our first week home because of how much trouble Cade was having latching on and because he was and still is not back at his birth weight. It's not even close to perfect yet, but it's getting better. We are hoping that he has regained his birth weight by next week. 

My McDreamy...

Through all of this, and I realize how traumatic and dramatic this story is, I am incredibly grateful for this baby boy. I've never loved or appreciated Jared more; he's an incredible dad and is teaching me how to be a mom. He was voted best dad by the nursing staff! They couldn't believe how involved, knowledgeable and helpful he was. I've always said that a marriage is like having a teammate for life, and this has never been more true. We are closer than ever and it's a relief to know I'm not in this alone. He has officially seen me at my worse and I've seen him become the backbone of our family. 

As for me, it's recovery time. It may kill me, but I am unable to do anything for 6 weeks. My Doctor was very adamant about this, even knowing how much I did during my pregnancy. This will be the longest amount of time I've EVER gone without working out. I'm actually feeling pretty good, I was only in pain the first week or so and I attribute this "quick" recovery to how healthy I was during my pregnancy.  Now it's just more of random moments of being uncomfortable. My body is at a place that is hard to recognize. My stomach has shrunk, but I'm far from my "normal." It's weird to go from fit, to pregnant to whatever this in between stage is. I'm trying not to be too critical of myself, knowing that this is just my temporary body, but it's hard to look in the mirror most days and not recognize myself! The best words of wisdom I've been given so far is that God knew I needed to learn how to be a mom so he made sure that nothing would distract me from this learning phase. The gym and a better body is not a top priority now...figuring out how to take care of Cade is my only job and my only priority for the time being. So, that's the attitude I'm trying to maintain. This time of his life is so precious, exhausting, but precious. He's the most amazing little creation and we are so thankful he is here and is healthy. 

My baby boy

Thank you to everyone who has sent congratulations and has been supportive of our little family. We appreciate every ounce of love, encouragement and adoration that has been given. Cade is an amazing blessing, and even though nothing went the way I had hoped it would, we are both healthy and getting stronger every day and that's the only thing that matters. 

SO...I experienced 3 different birthing options: natural for about 20 hours, epidural for about 5 minutes and an emergency C-section, which might almost make me an expert....  :) A traumatized expert...

Thanks for reading! xo 

Shit not to say to a pregnant lady Part II

Almost 38 weeks.
Gained 40 lbs.
At least I'm still able to workout!

I'm approaching 38 weeks. The baby is fully developed and I'm fully over this. It's not that it's thaaaat bad and that I'm suffering from any crazy preggo lady ailments, (except for legit heart burn since my stomach is now located between my boobs), it's just that it's awkward and inconvenient being 40lbs heavier and feeling so not attractive. Which brings me to this blog, shit not to say to a pregnancy lady, part II. I wrote part 1 at about 5 months pregnant, knowing there would only be more good remarks and "words of wisdom" to come.

-Do not talk about your labor or about your friend's labor or sister's labor and how awful it was.

-Don't tell me about pooping on the table or ripping completely. I know it could happen, but I don't want to talk about it.

-Do not mimic labor moaning sounds. Gross. WTF is wrong with you?

-If I have trusted you enough to disclose the name we have chosen, please don't say anything negative or make an awkward face. Just go with it. Pretend to like it. Flatter me and shut the eff up.

-Throughout my pregnancy, I've heard many remarks on my workout routine, especially how much I've continued to lift. Most of the remarks have been positive. However, telling me what to do, what I shouldn't be doing (because they're the exercise expert?!) is not ok with me. I train people for a living, I've been an athlete my whole life and nothing I'm doing is uncomfortable for me or for the baby. I have been able to successfully regulate what I'm capable of doing and what I'm no longer able to do. So no, a push press won't wrap the umbilical cord around the neck and lifting over 40lbs won't cause me to go into labor (I wish that's all it took!). If I can offer a piece of advice, being healthy and maintaining healthy workout habits through pregnancy has been the BEST thing I could have possibly done for my sanity and body.

-If I tell you that I'm going to have a natural childbirth, do not tell me otherwise. I fully understand and accept that birth plans do not always go as desired and that I may need intervention beyond what I want. I fully trust my Doctor and can set aside my own pride for the sake of my health and the baby. However, don't tell me that "once I feel a contraction, I'll be asking for an epidural." I don't think you know me well enough to say that or doubt what my intentions are. And those that know me, know that I won't have the pain meds unless I seriously need to. Again, nothing is fool proof, but I don't enjoy the lack of faith our society seems to have in a woman's natural, God given ability to give birth without the aid of drugs.

-I'm getting close to the point of delivery. Or so I hope. Don't tell me how huge I am, or that I look like I'm going to pop, or make comments referring to how uncomfortable I must feel. Chances are, you are 100% correct. I am huge, I do feel like I'm going to pop and yes, I am kinda uncomfortable. I don't need to be reminded constantly.

-Don't laugh and make any remark that indicates that my life is over and the extent to which it will change. Or that my marriage will now suck because it's ALL going to be about the baby. I am planning on having this baby enhance our life and our marriage. I will do whatever it takes to find a balance between having a child and not losing sight of who I am and what I enjoy doing. It won't be easy, but how I choose to raise this child while not forgetting who I am and what I love and enjoy will be my top priority. My life isn't over- it's adapting!

-My ankles aren't swollen. This isn't a miracle...don't act like you are witnessing a miracle by seeing a pregnant woman with normal feet.

-"You're STILL pregnant?!?"  **STFU**

I probably sound like a grumpy, pregnant bitch, which technically, I am, but people have no filter when it comes to speaking with someone who is pregnant. I will never be able to understand the women who enjoy pregnancy and feel beautiful. I wish I did. I've made the absolute most of this time in my life by maintaining my normalcy through working, coaching and continually training up until the last second possible. Don't make it any harder on a pregnant woman by doubting her ability, questioning her motives and intentions and fueling any insecurity she may have. What's to come is so unknown, terrifying and vulnerable and that's been the hardest part for me;  the anxiety associated with not having any idea of what to truly expect and how I'll be able to handle it.

Thank you to everyone who has been a great supporter and friend during this wacky time in my life. I have an amazing support unit of friends and family that have made the extra effort to reach out and extend genuine words of wisdom, encouragement and love. With all my blogs, I realize my honesty is often offensive, please understand that this is just my own experience and does not reflect on all pregnancies and situations. We're ALMOST at the beautiful part. :)

Cheers!

Shit NOT to say to a pregnant lady

There's not a whole lot that I claim to know about being pregnant. I'm certainly learning as I go and reaching out to those around me who know a thing or two, and who share similar lifestyle beliefs. What I have learned thus far is what NOT to say to a pregnant chick...or to like, anyone. Ever.

Here are a few of my favorites...

"Were you trying to conceive?"- Seriously? Ok, I'm probably guilty of saying this in the past. And for that I apologize. But unless you're my best friend that knows every horrid secret I possess, this question is none of your business. Think about what this eludes to- is it your business to have that much intricate knowledge of my sex life and my husband's sperm? Awkward. Stop it.

"Oh I see you're breaking out!" Yup, all this "glowing" is really just oily teenager skin making a re-appearance.  I appreciate you noticing.

"You're ass and hips are getting huge! It's like you're carrying the baby in your ass!"- For reals, this has been stated lovingly by quite a few people. I'm quite aware that I have a large ass as it is and the distribution of my newly acquired body is something I'm already a little self-conscious of. If you wouldn't tell that to a fat person, don't tell it to a pregnant person!"

"You look tired"-  I am tired, ass hole. I wake up early, workout, commute, work, coach, commute, eat, repeat. The days are early and the nights are late. Oh yeah, and my body is currently under construction growing a freakin' human. Leave me alone.

"So, what was [insert amount of weeks pregnant here] ago? Are you asking about my sex life again? Do we need an occasion to create a child...purposely or not? Stop it, you're awkward.

"Weren't you on birth control?"  Again, that is no one's business except for the 2 participants in a relationship.

"You're life is going to be over!" I hate this. This is the last thing any insecure mom to be wants to hear. I whole-heartedly do NOT believe that my life will be over. Sure, it will change, but it will be enhanced with a true blessing. I believe that we, as strong women, have the choice as to how we want to dictate the rest of our lives, with or without children. I will choose to still travel, coach, workout, go out with friends and spend time with just my husband. These are decisions that we are able to make, as long as these choices remain prioritized, organized and supported.

"Are you going to quit working?/Can you afford to stay at home?" I feel like this is a loaded question; for someone like me, who is still trying to grasp the idea of being a mom, this can cause some serious overwhelming anxiety. People will judge you for staying at home and people will judge you for going back to work. I hate hearing or being persuaded into either direction. This is a decision Jared and I will have to make when the time comes, and our financial situation is seriously not to be inquired about unless I decide to share it with you. I'm taking one day at a time, and working like a crazy woman up until the day I give birth...at least that's my current plan. DO NOT TRY TO PERSUADE A WOMAN TO STAY HOME OR TO CONTINUE WORKING. Keep your opinion to yourself, unless she asks you.

5 months pregnant.

"You shouldn't be doing THAT! You'll hurt the baby! examples: lifting weights, squatting, running, pull ups, sit ups, etc." For some reason, working out during pregnancy tends to still be taboo for some people. I've been told some pretty ridiculous things about what will happen to my body, or the baby if I do one particular exercise or another training modality that may be out of the norm of pink dumbbells. My vagina will NOT fall out. Seriously, that was said to me. Gross.
This single subject could make for an entire blog entry, but to summarize my thoughts, I believe that a strong, healthy mom makes a strong healthy child and (hopefully) an easier delivery/recovery. I'm certain that I've had an easy pregnancy so far because of the healthy lifestyle I lived for years prior to getting pregnant. I ate clean, exercised, lifted heavy and managed my stress (usually, ha). If I were to stop doing these things now that I'm pregnant, I can assure you that my body and mind would react adversely. It is healthier for me to maintain what I've been doing with obvious modifications when need be, especially because my Doctor is fully supportive of my lifestyle. I'm ready to be a trailblazer and a  trendsetter, for all pregnant women. 

These are the comments that have stood out to me most so far. I'm sure I could keep adding to the list of "shit not to say to a pregnant lady," especially as I start to get huge (er).

Thanks for reading, and let me know what horrible/awkward things have been said to you! Let the list grow and spread the awareness!

SO...I'm pregnant.

I'm no longer just a little pregnant. I'm now half way through this crazy process. WHAT?!

Let me back up. It's October 18th, 2012. Jared forces me to take a pregnancy test. I take it and for the first time in my entire life I'm left speechless and without any rational thought process. Shit just got real is a major understatement.

Let me back up even more...I had been having some problems with my menstrual cycle. I had been going to the doctor to see if I had any serious issues that would potentially prevent me from being able to have kids. I'm paranoid like that, but figured it would be better to know now so that we could prepare and plan accordingly. After months of "issues," and worrying, I thought "omg," I think I'm finally getting regulated!" And then, well then I just didn't have a period. WTF body? Even though I thought this was kind of great, in the back of my head I knew something wasn't completely normal and Jared forced me into taking that little test.

SHOCK. Pure terror flooded me to the point of no words or thoughts.

So, like any excited mom-to-be (ha) I just went into denial. I cried to Jared and to Ally (my best friend), because I didn't think we, as in I, were ready for this. I cried because I knew that EVERYTHING was going to change. I cried because I love to plan and knew that this was something I could never know how to plan for.  I cried because I felt guilty for feeling like this.

Fortunately Jared is rational. He is filled with joy and excitement. And fortunately, I gradually began to get infected by his joy and a little less terrified and overwhelmed.

We told our families at 9 weeks, which happened to be on Thanksgiving. We began with Jared's family. After we finished our meal with them, and while everyone was still at the table, Jared told his mom he got her an early Christmas present and presented her with our first  ultrasound picture. She immediately cried (tears of joy) and everyone was thrilled! Then we headed a mile up the street to my parent's house for Thanksgiving dinner round 2. We went around the table and said what we were thankful for and I was the last to go. I said something like, "I'm thankful for the amazing year of travels and blessed careers Jared and I have had. I'm also thankful for my family because you guys are always so supportive and loving. And lastly, I'm thankful that you and Tom (my step-dad), get to be grandparents in June."
If you have 3 minutes to spare, preferably on your computer, watch the reaction...please note, it will be loud, so be warned if you are at work. It will seriously make your day. My mom is crazy.

Sharing our news with our close friends, family and my water polo girls really helped me feel a lot better. Overwhelmed still, but much less terrified. Seeing them so out of their mind excited really helped me to to come out of my state of denial and begin to embrace this amazing process.

The weeks have gone on and the pregnancy is out in the open. I'm officially showing, and it's crazy to think  about everything that is happening inside of me. I know that the creation and development of a little human is a beautiful thing, but any pregnant woman who talks about how beautiful she feels while pregnant is lying. Seriously. I just feel fat. Fat everywhere. I haven't felt this awkward in my own body since age 14.

However, I am determined to stay  healthy, strong and fit during this pregnancy with the intentions of having a healthy baby, an easy and natural labor and to be able to rebound back to having abs after the baby is born. For those that have asked, I'm still lifting, doing some Crossfit workouts, running and eating pretty clean.  I have been fortunate to not have any morning sickness or other "typical" pregnancy ailment (thus far) and I accredit that to eating a very clean diet and exercising before getting pregnant. My diet hasn't been nearly as strict, but I do try to eat "real" foods and stay away from all the crap food as much as possible.

So, here's the plan for the next few months: coach an entire water polo season, which includes traveling to Hawaii at 7.5ish months pregnant...super cute, graduate with my Masters Degree in May, continue working at my wellness job until I pop, continue my lifting/training until I deliver or I get cut off, hopefully get in a vacation after season and before the baby comes, and try to be a functioning human being  and wife while doing so. Also, I plan on getting a little more educated and involved in the whole "learn about babies" process. I'm completely clueless and the whole "What to Expect When You're Expecting" gives me anxiety.

Although I'm very overwhelmed by this process, I also feel very blessed by this miracle. I know Jared and I will be ok and that the quality of our lives with improve astronomically. It is a beautiful thing. So I apologize if my honesty has offended anyone.

If you're a mom, or if you're pregnant, or if you have any words of wisdom to share that won't give me anxiety (just kidding, kinda), please feel free to share! BriannaBattles@gmail.com