My 3 month, "it gets better" saga

I can write this blog today with a sense of humor, but only because I had a decent nights sleep. Which at this point (or at least last night), involved only waking up once for an hour to breastfeed this monster baby of mine. For the sake of my own documentation, and for the interest of anyone who cares to read my rambling, my goal is to recap what the last few months have really been like. I've discovered that parents forget this shit. Having a newborn is freakin' hard. Like the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes, I say that a lot. I willingly admit that he has traumatized me and has taken my anxiety to a whole new level. But the crazy thing is, he's made me stronger- like, in every way imaginable. I haven't felt very strong, but looking back at what we've overcome in 3 months solidifies this concept.

By now, anyone who reads this blog, knows about how less than ideal his birth was. And you must also know that I'm slowly trying to get my body and confidence back. And if we are friends on Facebook or Instagram, you'll see the ridiculous amount of pictures I post of this monster. Yes, I am that person now. And yes, I enjoy capturing his smiling moments, because they remind me that he isn't always a psycho. And that I adore his little face. And that being a mom is actually a pretty incredible, rewarding experience that I'm continually humbled by.

what we've overcome

I like to say that we've survived. People think I'm joking when I say this, but in all seriousness, having an newborn, at least for me, has been about surviving. Each day is a battle and some days are more victories than others. After coming home from the hospital, I remember going into my room to try and nap while my in-laws helped with the baby. The second I walked into my room I burst into tears. It was the first time I had been alone and I had tried to stay strong and optimistic despite the ongoing hell I had been through. It all accumulated into one big breakdown. It was hard to feel happy about having a baby, which people obviously don't like to talk about. But for ME, I had so much anxiety, so much disappointment in my birth experience and at that time a ton of issues breastfeeding him. This began a 6 week saga of tears on a daily basis...sometimes for a legitimate reason and most of the time, just because of an ongoing feeling of being overwhelmed and terrified of this baby and in my new responsibility. I was a hard person to be married to. I was a hard person to talk to because I was so tired, overwhelmed and anxious. CONSTANTLY. It never let up. The struggle of breastfeeding led to screaming and tears from both baby and me. I felt like there was no freakin' way I was meant to be a mom- totally in over my head and not a "baby person." He had a hard time gaining weight and I felt so much guilt because that was obviously my fault. He had/has a hernia and talk of surgery, even though it is a minor procedure, scared the shit out of me. When Jared had to go back to work, I was scared to be alone with him. I was scared to go to sleep at night because I didn't have my "teammate" there for moral support. For the first 5 weeks, while J was on paternity leave, he would wake up every time with me while I fed him. Obviously he couldn't do anything, but he was my only sense of calm...yet, I still wasn't confident. Having to do nights alone is still something I struggle with.

The weeks went on, and as everyone says, things got better, but I think it's also because I began to acclimate to this new reality. I'm told that no one is ever really ready for a baby. But whoa, I REALLY wasn't ready for this kind of experience.  I thought I would have a natural birth, that breastfeeding was a natural process. I had a false idea of what sleep deprivation really meant, and a unrealistic expectation for my post baby body. My new reality was walking around topless, watching shit tv, unable to workout and breastfeeding around the clock. Goodbye life. I'm not the fluffy mom you see on Pinterest, or the mom who has a desire to sit in mommy groups at the park and talk about the color of poop. Those people freak me out! But what I do know now, is that I'm grateful for the women who have told me that they've had a similar experience or feelings and are willing to talk openly about this kind of thing. It makes me feel like less of an asshole.

When I went back to coaching, I was under the impression that coaching was a great career for being a mom. Until I brought him to practice and ended up breastfeeding him while my girls did their conditioning, hoping my cover wouldn't get blown up by the wind. Then when he started crying in my office while trying to do paperwork and carry on a professional conversation...yeah, there was my reality check of how coaching with a baby is NOT as easy or practical as I thought it would be.

As of now, it works out that Jared can stay with him while I go to coach on most days. I cried the entire 40 minute drive to work the first week that I left him; once again, disappointed in how things didn't work out the way I had planned. Another issue- I barely make enough milk to supply him with a bottle while I'm gone and I'm avoiding formula unless I absolutely need to supplement. So, even though I'm gone, my responsibility for caring for him never leaves. The stress is a constant.  Even when I'm away, I'm physically preoccupied with pumping, or mentally preoccupied with wondering if he's crying, if he was able to sleep, etc.

As hard as this is to admit, it's hard to not feel resentful sometimes. Caring for him is the greatest responsibility I will ever have. I'm the one who can provide food for him, rock him to sleep, wake up at all hours to care for him, calm him down (sometimes...ha), and have had to put part of my career on hold for him since we can't justify me working both jobs and caring for a baby. It just can't work, despite how we try to troubleshoot our options. And being away from my baby is not the life I want. I know this...I knew this from the beginning. But sometimes I'm jealous that Jared gets to sleep, or that he gets to go to work and have something else to focus on (trust me, I know that he is NOT getting off easy). But, for me, going to work was always fun. It was easy and natural. Caring for a baby is not easy or natural, and trying to balance even one job with a baby makes me a lunatic at times.

So now that I've been extremely honest about my struggles adapting to being a mom, let me say this. It's actually pretty incredible to see the product of Jared and I...that sounds so awkward. But really, to look at this baby and see Jared's facial expressions, my eyes, watching him learn and discover, achieve little milestones...it just blows my mind. To know that I make him smile, that he recognizes my face, that I am his source of comfort and knowing that I am the most important person to him...I'm humbled and amazed by that level of responsibility. The sacrifices a mom makes for her baby is something that only other moms can fully understand. Others can show an appreciation, but to fully understand that level of dedication....well you would have to be a mom.

I have a great team of supporters. I never understood the concept of "it takes a village" until I had no choice but to set my pride aside and reach out. Jared has obviously been incredible, thank God someone is mentally stable! My mom, sister and Jared's mom have at times, dropped their life to come over and help me fold laundry or cook dinner. They did all the little things that just get so overlooked right now. I've had friends, some of which I haven't talked to since high school, reach out with words of encouragement, friends at the gym who will hold him while he cries so I can finish my workout and a team of water polo girls who love to stay with him while I'm in a meeting. It takes a TEAM to care for a baby. I've really learned who my true friends and supporters are and for those of you who have loved me and this baby during the hardest and greatest time of my life, thank you and I seriously love you.

If your a new mom, or about to have a baby, maybe your experience has been different. Maybe you are the fluffy mom who can find beauty in everything. And hey, I'm jealous of you! And if you are a mom that is struggling, learning and taking a little longer to acclimate...I can completely empathize. We all have different stories, different ways of acclimating and different attitudes. However, I do believe there is no love that is greater, nothing that makes you stronger than being a mom. <3