4 months: finding my maternal "instinct"

I've kept this blog public. I've shared it with everyone on Facebook. It's been re-shared. It's accessible on my Instagram page. Basically, I've opened up my life and made myself and my family very vulnerable to opinions, judgement, love and support. My writing keeps me honest and humble . I think Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and social media in general paint a skewed picture (literally) of what our lives are really like. For the most part, I choose to only post happy, positive or informational things. But this blog is the truth. It's the good, the bad and ugly of everything that's happened recently. This blog has morphed itself; it started out as a place for me to write about my clients, health and fitness.  However, as I've grown professionally and individually, writing this blog, as often as I can,  has told its own story and shown a new side of me.

I got a lot of  feedback from my last blogpost where I talked about my struggles and new reality as a mom. It was mostly positive, but there were some people who couldn't believe I wrote that and made it public. I was told, that it was "pretty intense"...almost as if it was something I shouldn't have shared. It wasn't until I heard that feedback that I questioned whether or not I should have shared my personal account and struggles coming into motherhood. It's important for me to write about my experience and to write in the moment so that my memory doesn't become jaded. 

 I've been a mom for 4.5 months now and it wasn't until the 4 month mark that I finally felt my feet hit the ground again. I felt like I had caught my breath and was no longer on the verge of drowning. I seriously had an epiphany while coaching where I was like, "ok, I think I can actually do this." It's amazing what a little more sleep does! ;) But sleep aside, I think I've finally started to feel a little more confident in myself, understand my baby and have found a semi-consistent schedule. I was always told that the second your baby is born, you'll feel this overwhelming joy and the maternal instinct will just "kick in." I've mentioned this in other posts, but when he was born, I was just trying to stay conscious. There was so much trauma associated with his birth and his first few weeks of life that I felt as if I could never catch my breath, making it hard to get in touch with my "maternal side." 

Struggling to breastfeed didn't help that maternal instinct. Hating my body didn't help it. Recovering from natural labor and surgery was debilitating.  A screaming baby who couldn't eat fueled my anxiety. I was resentful of women who had an "easier" experience than me. I hated not having my husband around or my mom there to help me all the time. Everything was hard. 

Pictures don't tell that story though. My pictures show the side that I'm really proud of and that's what I want to share here as well. I'm proud that this baby has made me a stronger woman in every aspect of my existence. I'm proud that he's growing well, active and social.  I'm proud that I've been able to exclusively breastfeed him...I never thought that would be something to take pride in until I became a mom. I'm proud that I've been able to coach and still help my girls even when I was struggling at home. I'm proud that I'm learning to love my body by embracing and accepting slow and healthy progress.  I'm proud that I'm able to get through the night alone, without having a husband to rely on at all times. I'm proud of my marriage...this has been the hardest and greatest thing we have ever experienced. Jared and I have not had a coinciding day off since I went back to work, and we won't have days off with each other for at least another 6 months. However, we are growing together, being tested daily and learning how to better love and support each other and our baby. I'm proud to have that kind of marriage. 

I've learned that for some, love is immediate and powerful, and for others, love grows with endurance, patience and attention. I love this little boy in a way that cannot be described. It's a take my breath away, powerful, aching love that I have grown into. He's changed my perspective, my identity, tested my willpower and patience, humbled me to the core, impacted the way I am professionally and has shown me everything that is important in this life. It's still not easy, and it never will be, but my confidence is growing and I'm learning how to manage this new role in life. Our family is growing up together, learning through adversity, joy and discovering a whole new beautiful world.