7 Months of Transformation: Slow Progress Is Still Progress

So, I've created this "fit-mommy" following on my Instagram.  It started small but has grown to women from all over following me via pictures on my journey to being fit again, working and balancing motherhood with the demands of life. All in pictures! I used to make fun of people who would take selfies and hashtag everything and now look at me! Ha! However, it has become a pretty incredible way to connect with people and I don't mind sharing my journey because I also find a lot of inspiration through seeing the accomplishments of others. I look at pictures and think, "well if she was able to do it (as a single, working mom with 3 kids, etc) then what's my excuse?" or, "if she went from looking like that to having a freakin' six pack, there's no reason I can't either." Remember, I NEVER want to wear mom jeans!  But, I also like to blog in order to share the reality of my journey...it's so cliche, but success is really a journey, not a destination and that's my whole purpose behind sharing my adventures. Sometimes I feel really anxious about who is actually reading this blog, especially since Facebook is so creepy with how much you can easily and unintentionally stalk  people! I know this reaches a variety of people I know and don't know, people I talk to daily and people I haven't talked to in 10 years. I try to set aside how embarrassing a lot of this content can be and focus on the ability to share and support others who are potentially in a similar situation.

I think most people who read this blog know who I am, where I've come from., what I do and are aware of at least part of my journey. I put a lot of pressure on myself early on to get my strength and pre-baby body back. Which was a huge mistake. Because of my profession and interests, I felt external pressure to look a certain way postpartum.  While this journey has been great in terms of accountability and motivation, my expectations for how my body should bounce back after 9 months of pregnancy and a traumatic birth experience was skewed. There's so much healing that has to take place in the first few months of postpartum, and for me, it was and still is an emotional and physical healing process. I had assumed that I would give birth (the way I had planned, of course) and be back in the gym shortly after. I assumed that my stomach would shrink back to original form quickly without stretch marks and loose skin (riiight...50lbs and  a 9lb baby later...) and that I would have a flexible baby who would adapt to my lifestyle, not the other way around. Hey, I was at the top of my game in athleticism before getting pregnant and had a extremely fit pregnancy. Why wouldn't postpartum health and fitness be any different? Well, then I got introduced to reality, and reality is a bitch.

The first 4 months were extremely challenging, as many of you who have read this blog know. Ha. But aside from the challenges of becoming a mom and the difficulties we encountered, I was ashamed of my body and embarrassed to be seen. I felt as if I should look "normal" again, that I was supposed to look normal again.  Yet, I had this awkward belly that I tried to hide and jeans that I hadn't worn in a year. I got so used to hearing how fast I would bounce back since I had been so fit during pregnancy, that when it didn't happen quickly, I was embarrassed and discouraged to be seen at the gym, or anywhere for that matter. And when I did go to the gym, I was embarrassed and frustrated about how out of shape, weak and pathetic my workouts felt. I felt like saying, "I JUST HAD A BABY. STOP JUDGING." This was depressing and it didn't help when I compared myself to other postpartum women- that surely fueled my insecurity. And that's just it...this game of comparisons will kill a new mom's confidence. It extends the mommy wars beyond breastfeeding vs formula, stay at home moms vs working moms, etc. By nature we compare our successes and failures to those of our peers and that's something that I need to make a conscious effort to stop. I still find myself envious of mom's that don't work, that have family that live close to help with watching their baby, that "have the time" to get back into shape faster than me, who had babies that actually slept, or husbands that worked a "normal" schedule, etc. It was/is an ugly, self-destructive game. It's not a competition. It's not a competition. It's not a competition. I know it's hard for everyone in every situation. But, envy fuels insecurity and can destroy all the little victories that have been accomplished.

40 weeks pregnant vs 7 months postpartum

I guess what I want people to know is that I fully believe that slow progress is still progress. It's become my mantra. I've had to work hard to learn how to be a mom- it hasn't come beautifully or naturally. I love Cade more than anything in this entire world but with that, I've had to learn HOW to be a mom and how to maintain ways to love myself. I've also had to learn how to celebrate and appreciate the process of transforming my body, finding self-esteem and accepting a new norm. For me to be happy, confident and be a good mom, I need to train and have goals that are performance driven and not just aesthetically driven. I need to get stronger and feel confident and I attain that through my training.  I couldn't just "accept" my postpartum body because to me, that would be settling with an identity that I don't believe in, one that just isn't me.

After training through my entire pregnancy up until the day I went into labor, I had to spend 2 months on the couch recovering physically and mentally which was obviously not what I was expecting. But now, 7 months into this new adventure, I've found a way to love my body, appreciate what my body has endured, and change it at the same time. I find my peace through doing something that's good for me...even if it's a 10 minute workout in the garage before my baby wakes up from his nap because my damn dogs bark too much.  It's anything that helps me maintain who I am and what I believe in.

3 weeks postpartum vs 7 months postpartum

I do not have hours to spend at the gym. My workouts have to be timed around breastfeeding/pumping, naps, if Jared is around or not, what time I have to go into work that day, traveling, etc. On "good weeks" I try to plan out some meals, but often times they are random and whatever seems to be convenient. And after a really bad day, I sit down and eat chocolate on the couch. It's not perfect and it's not always pretty but it's my reality at this moment in life. So, in all it's imperfections, I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I'm getting stronger, finding my rhythm and confidence in training and in motherhood and really learning how to celebrate the small victories. I'm proud of this journey and what has been accomplished thus far, which is why I share it. I hope that this can resonate with a variety of people who desire to be better and maintain a healthy mindset during the process.  As always, thank you all for your support- it fuels me to keep sharing and allows me to let go of a lot of my insecurities. xoxo.